The Comfort in Being Naturally Understood

I guess you could say by now I have a considerable history in dating and searching for a mate... Looking back at things.... I've been lucky to date really good girls, good people (not to say there weren't some bitches here and there but you know what I mean :-) ). Girls that I admired and respected and would really want to see find success and successful self-expression in life. And yet that only begs the question: why did I rarely feel the desire to marry them? and what of the few girls I've come across in life who I naturally felt I could be together with? whom I felt I did have potential with?

I remember one girl in particular whom I really felt a connection to. I remember a peculiar thing - the comfort I felt in knowing that she existed in the world, even while knowing I'd never be with her. It just felt so comforting to me to know she existed in the world, and so again, that only begs the question: why?

And I think that leads me to the crux of the epiphany (and the title of this post ) - being understood, naturally, raw-ly, at your most basic level of expression without needing to hold back due to the various and many social, psychological, societal sanctions that are constantly in play. It's not enough having a world full of wonderful girls whom I can marry if those girls can't readily understand or "handle" me and how I think - all external societal norms and conventions being put to the side.

The greatest disappointment I think I've had in all my courtship years of experience is not the single life of being alone - without wife, children, structure, floor tiles clean of dust that's been sitting there months at a time - but it's the rarity of cases in which being brutally honest finds understanding (I say "brutally" in the sense of saying things damaging to myself. not in the sense of saying things that could be hurtful to the girl. although unfortunately sometimes those two have to overlap...) . The recurring scenarios in which Daniel Mokhtar expressing honestly his core feelings, positions, opinions, doubts, fears, aggrievances, anger, etc etc find their way to being interpreted as anywhere from crazy to chauvinist to psychologically disturbed... It's the painful feeling that you don't belong - truly, existentially - because if you did how is it that you think and see reality so different than everyone else?... how is it you speak a language so differently than everyone else?...

And so it's those few and far between girls whom I've met in life (most often whom the option of marriage was not possible for a variety of external reasons) who I felt --all things being natural-- did have the capacity to understand the complex twisted scary psyche that makes up Daniel Mokhtar(1) -- it's those girls who've given me comfort in life in knowing that I have a place, that I have a home,  I belong to somewhere;  it's those acquaintances that give me the comfort that allows me to live a life with the prospects of total failure as an individual, if but only to know that I'm a part of something bigger that is growing and advancing collectively. Being understood at your raw-level I think is one of the greatest comforts that can be...

(1) - I remember once a girl with whom I had shared mutual fondness asked me "would you ever cheat on your wife?" and I answered "I hope not" to which, not being ecstatic at the answer, she understood. And I in turn was so happy in seeing that she could understand  such an answer. that she could handle such an answer.

[I use the word "understood" not simply in the sense of intellectually or psychologically but rather I mean "understood" as a result of having shared a particular line of thought or feeling, if even but only for a subconscious moment. I remember once telling a girl "I don't like people" and seeing how deeply she couldn't grasp what I meant, how i meant it, and in what particular aspect or dimension it pertained. Language and talking with such dis-similar minded people can be such an exhaustive disappointing endeavor...]

למות תוצאות and Election Day

I don't really have the idea polished and clear, just I feel there's a jewel in the rough somewhere in this:

למות תוצאות תניא נמי הכי תשע מאות ושלשה מיני מיתה נבראו בעולם שנאמר למות תוצאות תוצאות  בגימטריא הכי הוו --- ברכות ח א

Why should death be related to the word תוצאות though? What's the connection?

Taking from the modern hebrew usage of תוצאות as "results" (as in "election results" - תוצאות בחירות) I think it can be understood. Being fixated in life on "results" and not living and acting as a form of one's own self-expression regardless of to what the degree the external world gives you a standing ovation or ostracizes you and labels you as a nut. That's the recipe for death. That's how you die. לא עליך המלאכה לגמור , the journey and not the destination, the process and not the result.

Given the above, voting in an election is not about "results", it's not purely about voting as a means of getting into office the people you want. It's about expressing what you want and who you would want - regardless of whether that self-expression will be accepted by the rest of the world or not; regardless of the final election; regardless of the תוצאות.

למות תוצאות.